


used to be falling hard (but now it just hurts me so bad)

by iameasytofind



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 04:08:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20383420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iameasytofind/pseuds/iameasytofind
Summary: lexi fights, but before the words come out she already knows she’s lost. she’s never going to be able to deny anything to rue. //title from impossible by clairo.





	used to be falling hard (but now it just hurts me so bad)

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first time i write an author's note. so, hi. i didn't expect my first work here to get any reads, so thank you to anyone who read, left kudos and commented.   
this is supposed to be multichaptered, and it's also supposed to be more optimistic and positive. i hope to keep up and i hope you guys like it.   
/chapter title from alewife by clairo.

_**"**_and I would have stayed if you asked me to  
stood outside till my lips turn blue  
I wouldn't have blamed you  
for leaving me there on the porch while you drank gasoline[  
](https://genius.com/Julien-baker-funeral-pyre-lyrics#note-11146036)'cause it's what you needed so bad _**"**_

-_funeral pyre _by _julien baker_

she wakes up in a cold sweat, her body briefly paralyzed. the only light enters her room through the window, from the street. she sits up in the bed, letting out heavy, paused breaths. her heart is racing. it’s the third night in a row that rue’s dreamt of jules.

she tells herself that she’s okay, that it’s time to get over it already, that a long time has passed since she last saw her, that she should be better by now. but it’s easier said than done, and the long nights spent without sleeping a single hour, staring at the cold, unforgiving grey of her ceiling in the dark is enough to prove that she’s not, in fact, okay.

the dreams are all the same. the scenery changes, though. sometimes jules takes the train, other times she takes the bus. sometimes she just gets on her bike and slowly begins to disappear from her sight. there’s one thing that never changes: for whatever reason it is, jules makes up her mind and leaves to where rue can’t follow. 

and even though it was several months ago, that night still haunts her as if it all had happened the night before, hovering over her like a ghost and holding her down, not allowing her to move on. and, to be honest, rue doesn’t know if she even wants to move on. part of her thinks it would be nice to be able to dedicate to herself for a while, especially after her last…_incident._ to put herself first for a change, to get back on track, even. but the other part of her, the strongest part of her, is unbearably comfortable in this situation, just laying on her bed for the entire day, staring at her phone screen where jules’ number stares at her indifferently, refusing to reply to any of the messages that rue couldn’t stop herself from sending, even though she knew that she would not reply to any of them. that part of her still believes that one day jules will come climbing through her window in the middle of the night, to tell her that she’d missed her like crazy, that whatever fun, insane life she’d been leading in the city was completely empty without rue there with her. it’s not true, of course. jules probably _is_ living the life of her dreams in the city, and that’s precisely why she doesn’t need rue there with her.

still, picturing herself falling asleep with jules in her arms is a pleasant thought that provides her a warmth that she cannot find anywhere else anymore. she tells herself that a little daydreaming couldn’t hurt anyone, or at least not any more than she’s already hurting.

rue begins to pat around in her bed, and a couple of seconds later the darkness in her room is cut out by the small screen of her phone, lighting up and greeting her with a picture of her and jules that’s older than time itself: it was taken on one of their first hang-outs together, and it showed both of them smiling at the camera, the image slightly blurred by how much rue’s hands were trembling, having jules so close to her. she keeps telling herself she has to find another image to set as her home screen, but she can’t bring herself to change it. it’s not like she’s in her best moment to start taking pictures of herself left and right –and also, who puts a picture of themselves as their home screen anyway?

she can feel her breath steadying itself now, and as she looks through the contacts in her phone, it hits her. all of these names –familiar names –, have no idea what’s happened between her and jules and, more importantly, they probably haven’t noticed that rue’s been missing for so long. or they did and just don’t care enough to ask.

sure, rue’s heard from her mom that both howard sisters had called to check up on her, and then immediately told her to assure them that she was fine, but that didn’t feel like talking to anyone. – but as for the rest, maddy’s probably just involved in some drama with nate or whoever her new subject of affection is, and kat… rue isn’t sure who kat is anymore; the girl’s changed so much in the past time that rue is sure that when she goes back to school –if she goes back to school –she will be greeted by a yet again completely new kat. and even though she knows that cassie appreciates her and considers her a friend, mostly by association to lexi if not by anything else, she has her own shit to deal with, and she can’t go around chasing after rue like a little kid that needs to be taken care of, because the truth is, rue is old enough to be responsible for herself, and everyone was kind of expecting this to happen again sooner or later.

that is why, when her phone vibrates with a notification, she’s momentarily startled. the rational part of her tells her that it’s probably one of her friends finally deciding to check up on her, but the other part of her just immediately opens the message, hoping that maybe, just maybe, jules had thought of her and decided to text her to see how she’s doing. jules’ name is still at the bottom of the list, empty and caring as little about rue as it was before. rue’s heart sinks to her chest at this, and she locks her phone without giving any mind about whoever else had sent her a message in the middle of the night; if it wasn’t jules, did it even matter?

rue throws her phone on the nightstand, turning around in her bed, turning her back to it, and covering herself with the sheets. as meaningless as this is, she feels like she’s about to cry. and then she feels angry; at herself, for believing that jules would even think of her anymore, for getting her hopes up about a simple message notification, for even considering crying about jules _again_. but mostly, she’s angry at whoever sent her that message, bothering her in the middle of the night, and making her believe things that just weren’t real.

the phone vibrates once again from amidst the mess rue has in that nightstand, that she can’t be bothered to clean. then it vibrates again, and again, claiming her attention until rue is ruffling under the covers to pick it up. but this time, the small screen is not displaying a message. it’s a call, and it’s coming from the last person rue would expect to call her in the middle of the night on a saturday.

“what” she mutters into the receiver, absently.

“rue.” lexi’s voice comes softly from the other side of the line, clearly not noticing the hint of annoyance in rue’s voice, or pretending not to.

“what do you want? it’s three am.”

“I know i– “she cuts herself, and rue can almost picture her staring down at the ground, or fumbling with her hands, or anything else that lexi does when she’s uncomfortable. “I wanted to know if you were alright.” she sounds almost apologetic, as if she’s not allowed to care for the person she considers to be her best friend, if not anything more.

“I’m okay. you could’ve called in the morning.” rue has no idea why she’s being this harsh. lexi just wanted to check up on her friend, and rue, after deciding that none of her friends cared about her, is treating her like shit just because she’s not the person she was hoping to hear on the other end of the phone.

lexi is silent for a few seconds, and it almost makes rue believe that that was all, that the conversation is over for tonight and, hopefully, for a couple of days as well.

“I just got this feeling…I had to call you _tonight_.” lexi swallows roughly. “i felt like something bad would happen if I didn’t.”

“well you didn’t bother to call in the past months, did you? what if anything had happened then, huh?”

and rue knows the words before they come out of lexi’s mouth:

“you told me not to.”

she knows lexi, and as much as rue’s insisted on being left alone, both of them knew it was a matter of time until lexi gave in, whatever rue could throw at her wouldn’t be as bad as the guilt that weighed on her as each day passed by.

“rue?” lexi speaks again, and only then is rue conscious of just how much time she’s spent in complete silence. 

“what are you doing up?” rue avoids, and perhaps because she’s very good at it –she’s not– or because lexi is already used to rue doing this, and is willing to let her have it once again tonight, the subject changes almost swiftly.

“watching some tv. cassie’s out and she lost her keys, so I’m waiting up for her or she’ll have to sleep on the porch.” the thought of lexi losing sleep solely because she was worried about rue is absolutely ridiculous, and while rue is glad she’s not the cause of her insomnia, it also stings her a bit that she’s not. not because she wants lexi to be constantly on her, but because it reminds her that not even her best friend cares about her. not enough, at least.

but she does.

lexi swallows harshly. it’s not the first time she’s lied to rue, but a part of her feels like maybe it would’ve been better, or would’ve done some good, to tell rue that while _yes,_ cassie did lose her keys, the howards kept a spare one hidden on the entrance, and that she was in fact awake at midnight because she couldn’t stop thinking about rue. and that she knew she would give her shit for calling her but she just couldn’t let her face it –whatever it was– by herself.

rue shifts on the bed, she’s already resigned to having yet another night without sleep, and in all honesty, talking to someone, even if she wasn’t the person rue was waiting for, seems much better than being left alone with herself.

“what are you watching?” she questions, casually, like they’re in their early teens again and talking about romantic movies through the entire night over the phone like they used to.

“I just started this documentary about this kid who went missing.”

“cool.” is all rue has to offer.

lexi looks down, to where her computer is neatly closed and resting on the floor next to her bed. she has not watched anything in at least a couple hours. “yeah, no. it’s actually kinda lame.” she sinks into her bed, the bright colored duvet reaching up to her chin. “you would love it, though.”

“I’ll check it out. I’ve been on a binge lately.” at this point, she’s not ashamed of having spent entire days consuming questionable television, just like she’s not ashamed of the fact that this is the only thing that stops her from thinking about jules so much.

“we could have a marathon together.” the words are out before lexi can even think about what she’s going to say, and as her face is covered by a sudden wave of warmth, she’s thankful that rue is on the other side of the line and not in the same room as her –as much as lexi would like her to be.

rue is taken by surprise for a second. then, she remembers that lexi has absolutely no idea of the mess her life had become in the last months and that seeing her would imply a lot of explaining that she just doesn’t feel like doing. “I don’t know. don’t feel like it.”

“I haven’t seen you in forever, rue.” she sounds serious, more serious than rue’s ever heard her in a long time, at least.

“I’m _fine_. I’ve been doing fine. we can hang out some other time.” she doesn’t want lexi to push it any further, she doesn’t want to tell her about any of this.

“are you? or are you just pretending so that I will leave you alone?” she does not let her answer. “because I won’t. you’re my…you’re _my friend_ and it’s clear that something’s going on and I won’t stop until you tell me what it is.”

“I went to rehab!” rue snaps, and she looks around for a second to make sure that no one else in the house had heard that. “I fucking… I was in rehab, okay? you happy?”

“rue…” lexi mutters, all the air suddenly drained from her lungs. how long had it happened? and when did it start? and why didn’t she know anything about it? whatever hint of anger she’d had a moment ago completely replaced by guilt. “why didn’t you tell me?”

“why the fuck would I tell you?” rue lets out a sigh, taking a second to remind herself that this isn’t lexi’s fault, that she’s just trying to help. “I didn’t want anyone to know.” she continues, instead. “I know it’s not been too long since the last time and i… didn’t want to disappoint anyone, I guess.”

“I could never judge you, rue.” lexi says, and there’s a sincere tone to it. that’s the worst part about her, rue thinks, everything about lexi is so genuine, she doesn’t have any hidden intentions behind what she says. “it’s just- I was scared, okay? I’m sorry.”

“no, I’m sorry. I’m an asshole, you were just checking on me.” rue would like to say that she would’ve done the same for her friends, but she’s not sure at this point that she would.

“when did…?”

“after jules…” she pauses, her heart racing. she hasn’t told anyone about what had happened with jules yet, and it feels like it’s just a bad dream, and that telling someone else about it would finally turn it into a reality. like she would lose jules forever.

“what about jules? did something happen to her?” now that she thinks of it, lexi hasn’t seen jules in a while, not that she’d have any reason to actually see her, but it did seem weird that the girl had disappeared almost at the same time as rue did.

“no, she- “rue doesn’t know how to answer that. she doesn’t know where jules is, therefore she doesn’t know if jules is okay or if anything had happened to her. the idea of jules being somewhere unfamiliar, alone and possibly hurt brings a sharp pain to her chest. “she just left. the night of the ball. we were going to…run away together, or whatever. and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. and I thought she would stay, you know.” rue lets out a laugh, because jules staying solely because rue asked her to seemed just as crazy as jules leaving town on her own. “…but she didn’t.”

lexi listens silently, a deep feeling of anguish settling inside of her. and then, just as fast as it came, it’s replaced by something else, something similar to anger. she never liked jules –because of the obvious; that she had replaced lexi in every aspect of rue’s life, and that she was able to give rue something that lexi couldn’t, not because she didn’t want to, but because rue didn’t want her to. –but now that she’s practically ruined rue’s life, taking her as far as relapsing again, it feels like a personal offense. lexi’s not a conflictive person, but for a solid second she pictures herself hurting jules, she’s not even sure in what way she’d do it, she just knows she wants to cause her as much pain as she’s been causing rue and, therefore indirectly, her as well.

she clutches her phone in her hand until she feels her knuckles begin to hurt.

it’s rue’s voice that brings her back.

“anyway, it…it doesn’t matter.”

“it does matter.”

rue’s not really fond of speaking about her problems –or about herself at all, for that matter–. whatever happens to her really isn’t anyone’s business, but at the same time, she feels like whatever little she allows herself to let out is just some sort of white noise that no one else can hear, or wants to hear, and it’s just a stream of static that irritates them. she feels like that’s all she is; a burden.

“I know you feel like it doesn’t.” lexi adds, as if she could’ve somehow managed to break into rue’s head and found every single insecurity and fear stored in there. rue wonders what it would be like to have someone know every exact thing that is wrong with you, and have that someone want to take it all and fix it instead of running away. she wonders if lexi would want to. “but it matters. you matter.”

“I don’t.” if anything positive has come out of her last night with jules, it’s the realization that rue bennett does not matter, in any aspect of life. and, as depressing as that may sound, she feels like it is a newfound freedom of sorts, not mattering means that she’s not forced to have any goals in life, or achieve anything, or make any progress at all. because no one’s expecting anything of her anyway. because she doesn’t matter.

lexi runs a hand through her hair, exasperated. sometimes she thinks if it’s even worth it, dealing with rue, with _this_ rue. but then she thinks about her, the person she’s considered her best friend for the longest time, the person that opened her up to so many things that lexi wouldn’t have experienced otherwise, the person she’s been in love for the longest time…and everything is worthwhile. every single thing.

“I’m not gonna sit around and listen to you feel sorry for yourself.”

“then don’t.” rue doesn’t feel like carrying this conversation anymore, but she doesn’t want lexi to leave either. she doesn’t want to be alone, as much as it hurts her to admit it to herself. “we can talk about something else.”

she knows she’s not getting anything else out of her for the night, so lexi just lets it sit. she decides that rue’s been having a hard enough time without her getting in the middle of things, and that perhaps she doesn’t need someone to listen to her, but rather someone who’s willing to distract her from her own thoughts for a bit. there’ll be time for questions another day.

“what do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know…what have you been up to?” a pause, then she adds: “how’s cassie?” even though she’s not one of rue’s closest friends, she is curious about what’s been of her in these past months, and she knows it will get lexi talking, because her sister’s life sure as hell was more interesting than her own.

“well, school’s not started yet so…” that seems to settle it for her, as going to school constitutes at least half of the reasons why lexi leaves the house in the first place. after what happened to cassie, both girls stopped showing up to parties as often. and as much as cassie, being in this new, in a way more mature phase, would make sure to include her sister everytime they went somewhere together, instead of just leaving her hanging by herself while she leaves with some other boy, lexi felt like she was more distanced from the girls she believed to be her friends than before, and without rue… it all seemed kind of pointless. “I’ve been going to the movies a lot, though.”

“that’s nice.” rue means it, she really does. she admires how lexi is not afraid of being herself, how she’s open and real about her interests and what she likes instead of just forcefully shaping herself into some other person that others might like better than who she actually is. rue wishes she could be like her, in a way. to be content with herself as a person and not be constantly shifting in order to be something else, in order to get people to stay. would jules like her better if rue were more confident in herself, instead of just trying to become what she thinks jules would like her to be? was she looking for someone more genuine, more like lexi is, instead of someone so eager to please that would turn herself into anything people asked her to? would it even matter anymore? rue decides that no, it doesn’t matter. jules’ already gone, and she’s not coming back. and rue could make all the changes she wanted, but none of them would make jules return.

“cassie’s been doing fine.” lexi resumes, a small smile forming on her lips. she’s really proud of her sister, and how far she’s come in the past months. not that she’s ever been disappointed in her, cassie really was the person who offered lexi the most support, if not the only one. “she hasn’t been on a date in months though, I don’t know what that tells you about her.”

“maybe you’re turning her.” rue jokes, but the line is silent. “I mean, um…”

“it’s fine. I went on a date the other day, actually.” it wasn’t exactly a date, she thinks to herself. she just went for some coffee with some girl she met at one of those parties cassie would drag her to. it didn’t evolve into anything, and lexi spent half the time embarrassed at whatever came out of her own mouth and wondering if this is what it looked like all the time or if she’s just had the bad luck to have a bad experience, if there was anything wrong with herself. and when the girl in question tried to go in for a kiss, lexi panicked and they ended up bumping noses instead. she’s not even sure why she’s telling rue about this. perhaps it’s just a desperate attempt to let her know that these past months have been more than just sitting around waiting for rue to pop up into existence once again, but that’s exactly what they’d been, and that was the most painful part.

“wow.” rue mutters, her voice playful. “who are you, and what have you done to lexi howard?” it’s the first time in perhaps years that she’s heard lexi speak of something like this. she’s happy for her, for being able to open herself up to other people and new possibilities. “who’s the lucky guy?”

“uh.” lexi replies. she suddenly remembers that she’s never spoken to rue about this part of herself, mostly because it would inevitably reveal her feelings for her in one way or another. “it was a girl.”

“oh.”

“yeah.”

“well, how was it?” rue accommodates on her bed, listening intently. she feels like she’s a younger, innocent teenager once again, just sitting on her bed and talking about boys and dating and whatnot with her friends. simpler times.

“it was a disaster. I didn’t even know a date could turn out so badly.” she hears rue laughing on the other side of the line, and she can’t help but feel a certain warmth spread through her chest. how could she ever attempt something, anything with anyone else, when she already knows who’s the one person that she wants to be with? the same one person who would probably never even see her as something more than what she is…a friend. not even the best of them, she thinks. rue had made that very clear in the past.

“don’t worry. there’ll be more.” rue assures her. in fact, she’s surprised that lexi has been single for so long, considering she’s loyal, and funny and…fine, she’ll admit it. lexi is attractive. very attractive. she wipes the thought out of her head immediately. who the fuck thinks about their best friend as someone who attracts them? “one time I went on a date with this one dude, and he smelled of flamin’ hot Cheetos.” she offers, as to make the air a little lighter, not sure if for lexi, or for herself. “and I thought, ‘alright, maybe he just had a lot of ‘em today.’ but we went on another date, right, and he still smelled of Cheetos. it was, like, all he ate. it was absolutely disgusting.”

it’s a silly story, but lexi can’t help but laugh. she wonders, briefly, how a date with rue would be like. she imagines rue going to pick her up with her bike, riding behind her and wrapping her arms around her waist. going to the movies or to the park or just riding around town, lexi would be fine with just about anything, if it meant to spend time with rue, if it meant having rue look at her _like that_ at least one time. the kind of look she has reserved for jules. the kind of look she would never give her.

“…lexi?” rue asks, when she hears no answer.

“uh, sorry. I kinda got lost for a second.”

“you can’t trick me. I know you’re watching tv while on the phone. I do that all the time.”

“yeah, that’s –that’s what I was doing.” there’s a sudden shift in the air, it feels heavy, suffocating, hanging over her as if threatening to consume her. “I have to go.” she states, coldly.

“oh, c’mon.” rue protests. “stay a bit longer. it’s almost sunrise.” she feels awful begging yet another person to stay, but she’s terrified of the darkness of her room, and this is nothing like begging jules not to get on that train. not only because it’s not as much of a life or death situation, but also because lexi would never do something like that to rue. 

“I really can’t.” lexi fights, but before the words come out she already knows she’s lost. she’s never going to be able to deny anything to rue.

“please?”

lexi sighs. she sinks deeper inside her bed, then grabs her phone again.

“fine.”

“tell me something. anything.” rue replies, if she’s going to hold this conversation, she sure as hell doesn’t want it to go back what’s been going on with her.

there’s a certain dizziness surrounding her, as if she’s dreaming. rue puts the phone on speaker, and carefully, almost unconsciously, positions it on her pillow, next to her head.

lexi does the same thing. then, she lays down and closes her eyes. rue’s voice reaches her softly, and if she tries hard enough, she can almost picture her right next to her on the bed.

lexi begins to speak, about something dumb and irrelevant that’s happened to her over the summer, just to keep rue distracted, because that’s exactly what she needs. rue just mutters agreements, prompting her to continue talking. it’s not the most interesting thing she’s ever heard, but there’s something about the way lexi is talking, the fact she’s decided to share this with her, the fact that she’s willing to stay up all night talking about whatever it is that comes to her mind just to make sure rue is not alone. she realizes she doesn’t appreciate lexi’s friendship as much as she should. how she’s always there for her when she’s at her lowest, when not even rue wants to deal with herself. how she puts everyone else before her, how she’s always ready to offer her shoulder for people to cry on, when she probably doesn’t have one to do so herself. rue feels awful, she’s an awful friend. she hasn’t given lexi even half of what she’s given her, and it’s not fair. it’s not fair that the best people in this world are treated so miserably and then everyone wonders what happened to them when they become like everyone else. she doesn’t want lexi to become sad and lost. she doesn’t want lexi to become like her.

rue is listening to her attentively, but she feels sleep creeping up on her, she feels it so intensely, like she hasn’t felt it in several nights. it is kind of rude to fall asleep and leave lexi talking to herself, especially because she already knows all the things she’s telling her about, but she realizes she can’t fight it for much longer. lexi’s run out of stories, so she’s talking to her about something dumb that happened to cassie during that same summer, just to avoid staying silent. she knows rue needs it, she needs someone to take the time to do something like this, to distract her, to make her feel better even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. as much as she’ll never admit it, she needs someone to care for her. someone to love her. and she does. lexi cares. lexi loves her. the thought makes her want to die. 

despite this, lexi continues talking. she has no idea how long she’s been doing it, and she doesn’t really care –she could do this all night – but after a couple of minutes she notices that rue’s stopped replying altogether, and she becomes worried that something might have happened to her.

“rue?” she asks, the complete silence of her bedroom as the only answer she gets. “rue?” she insists. she stays silent for a second, and from the other side of the line, she can make out rue’s calm, regular breathing. she hears her softly snoring. she sounds so peaceful, something she knows she hasn’t been feeling in a long time. she wishes she could do something, anything, to bring some sort of peace to rue. to allow her some sort of break from all the shit she’s been going through.

“alright then, goodnight.” lexi mutters, before turning back on her bed and falling asleep to the sound of rue’s calm breaths.


End file.
